All Hail Robert Baratheon

Published May 22, 2019 · Updated July 6, 2022

Shat Hosts,

Now that the dust has settled, can we please talk about how King Robert Baratheon – AKA Bobby B – was an absolute fucking legend and all around the best King of all time?

Let’s take a look at his accomplishments – he managed to overthrow a centuries-long dynasty of in-breeding dicks by being a tremendous warrior and an all around charismatic leader. Once King, he was humble enough to recognize that he wasn’t cut out to be king – so he appointed Jon Aryn, the wisest guy he knew, as Hand and generally filled the Small Council with experts in the field. He reigned over 20 solid years of peace. That is, by the way, a huge deal. Every Targaryen dealt with this or that major rebellion, often caused by their dickhead half-siblings the Blackfyres or their own madness/general superiority complex getting in the way. Big Bobby B just had the Greyjoy Rebellion which was (1) put down super fast and (2) a great fucking time by all accounts – people talk about the siege of Pyke like it was a who’s who of badass fighters and great spectacle.

Oh, also, great intuition on Robbo’s part when he suggested that the bitter, runaway offspring of the Targaryens might sorta kinda wanna get revenge on the people who murdered their whole family and that slimey reachers with hidden agendas (Varys, Illeri?) might attach themselves to the cause. If Ned hadn’t be so high on his horse, Robert the Conqueror might have prevented the burning of literally thousands of little children by getting Dany killed before she could go full Hitler.

All in all, I’m hopeful that Bran the Broken can rule well – given his literal supernatural knowledge of everything, expectations are pretty high – and I’m certainly tossing my name in the hat for Master of Laws. But when all is said and done, game must recognize game – All Hail Robert Baratheon. All hail Bessy’s tits!

Ken L.

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