Cersei rewrite!

Published May 23, 2019 · Updated July 6, 2022

Hi there,

JP from the UK here, big fan of the podcast. I’m at peace with season 8 as an ending, even though I agree with you both in thinking it was a little sped up. We didn’t get nearly enough Cersei though! She’s absolute televisual marmite, you love her or you hate her. My rewrite is shiny, crumpled tinfoil in honor of Cersei:
By episode 3, Cersei’s given birth to a son. The Dani/North alliance has suffered a harrowing defeat at the hands of the undead at Winterfell (I’m thinking Rheagal’s gone kaput, the North has been annihilated, most of the Dothraki & the Unsullied wiped, Bran killed (ALL HOPE IS LOST!)). After regrouping with the Dornish & the Ironborn at Dragonstone, Dani/John/Tyrion (wait, how in holy hell did Tyrion survive?!) realize they have no other choice but to help Cersei defend King’s Landing. Dani insists that for this to happen, Cersei must cede the throne to her. Either that, or she’ll go full napalm-like she does in The Bells, Night King or no Night King. As a show of strength, (& despite everyone’s advice) Dani & Drogon destroy Euron’s fleet (RIP Euron). Tyrion sends Jaime through the back door (unknowingly followed by Arya) to try to broker the deal. Cersei, seemingly more pragmatic since the birth, eventually agrees. She insists on amnesty for her son and herself, protection provided by Sir. Gregor, and sanctuary in Maegor’s Holdfast. Dani grants these conditions but warns that she’s reserving full judgment for when, or if, they win Long Night II. While the city prepares, we see Qyburn visit Cersei to keep her in the loop. Cersei’s taken a specific interest in what the Night King might want. Qyburn tells her it seems they have nothing to offer that Ice-Man wants, but he also repeats a gruesome rumor about a Wildling who, they say, managed to make a treaty (of sorts) with him… Once Long Night II’s underway, it looks like it’s going to be a resounding double for the Night King. When Qyburn tells Cersei the city’s been breached, she has Sir. Gregor springs her from Maegor’s Holdfast and down to the Throne Room. She’s sat on the Iron Throne with her son watching the door (think that scene with Tomin during the Battle of Blackwater) when the doors open. The Night King approaches. Sir. Greg remains by Cersei’s side. Cersei offers the Night King her boy. He accepts. As he turns the child, Arya leaps out. You know the rest: he catches her by the throat, she deals the one hand/two hand kill. The Living live to fight another day. The undead, including Cersei’s son, go kaboom. Cersei, chaperoned by Sir. Gregor returns to Maegor’s Holdfast before Arya can catch her. A day passes during which Cersei refuses to give herself up. Although Tyrion initially pleads Cersei’s case, Dani convinces him that, as Queen, she’s duty bound to do what best serves the realm: Cersei must be executed. Tyrion admits she’s right but asks that the life of the child be spared. Dani swears that if Cersei gives up her son, she’ll allow him to live. Knowing that Cersei’ll never accepts this, Tyrion asks Dani to let him mislead Jaime into thinking that Dani has agreed to exile Cersei and her child if she gives herself up. Dani accepts. For the sake of the child, Tyrion reluctantly lies to Jaime, who agrees to try to convince Cersei to give herself up in the morning. That night, Arya (who’s kept schtum until then about what she saw) visits Jaime. She tells him that Cersei sacrificed her son to the Night King and that the child is dead. Jaime refuses to believe her. The next morning, Dani, Drogon, Tyrion, and pals wait outside the Holdfast. Jaime requests entry and, on orders from Cersei, Sir. Greg lowers the drawbridge. He stations himself in the doorway while Jaime is inside with Cersei and Qyburn. With the child nowhere to be seen, Jaime begs Cersei to tell him that it isn’t true. Cersei admits to what she did. In a fit of despair, Jaime begins to strangle Cersei. Qyburn calls out to Sir. Greg, who is attempting to return when Dani, despite a final plea from Tyrion, orders Drogon to BBQ the whole place. The twins fulfill the Valonqar & go up in smoke, Sir. Greg receives hot vengeance at the site of his crime against Elia & her children, & poor old Qyburn gets caught in the crossfire. Fabulous, awful Cersei gets the send-off she deserves!
In all seriousness though, want to say a massive thanks to the both of you for giving up so much time and effort so we could all collectively nerd out over Thrones. I think you’re both right in saying that even though it might not be perfect, this has been a real cultural thrill ride we all got taken on together. You two’ll always be a big old part of mine.

JP, UK (unrepentant Cersei fan)

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